Even When There Was No Hope
by justwanttologin
Summary: Derek is dead, Meredith is in a coma. Alex has been in love with her for a long time so he is is taking care of Zola and sitting with her hoping she wakes up while the others slowly move on.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N OK in this story Derek, Lexi and Arizona all died in the plane crash. This is my first non-Twilight fanfic so please let me know what you think. Mark did not die. _

Alex's POV

For three weeks she has been in this coma. For three weeks we take turns sitting by her bedside talking to her. I don't want to leave her side but nobody knows how I really feel about her. Well one person knows how I really feel about her but she lives a million miles away.

As the weeks go on the people who were pretending to care slowly stop coming and it's me and Christina and Mark.

"Christina, we may have to face the fact that's she's not going to wake up. Make more permanent arrangements for Zola…" Mark fades off looking at me.

Christina has final say in all medical, financial and custodial matters should Derek not be available.

Six of our doctors went on a flight. Meredith, Christina, Derek, Arizona, Mark and Lexi.

Lexi died soon after the plane crashed, Arizona died after two days of being stranded and Derek died in the hospital a week after transfer. Meredith has been in this coma ever since.

"Zola's arrangements are fine." Even though Mer kicked me out a while ago I've moved back in to take care of Zola. Baily helps some and Mark and Callie help some but I try to keep her whenever I can. She needs to at least be in her own home since she has no idea where her parents are.

"Um, I actually agree with Alex on this one. Zola is being taken care of. If you and Callie don't want to help out anymore then I'm sure he can handle it. I guess I could help, or Owen could help at least."

'I was thinking more like she should come live with Callie and I. We are much more equipped to handle her than Alex is."

I'm about to jump in when Christina glares in a shut up way.

"No offense Mark but I'm sure Meredith would pick almost anyone over you. And that includes Alex. She's not that close to you or Callie. And I know Derek was your best friend but I'm not sure he would pick you to raise his daughter either. Not that he would pick Alex… But I have final say and Zola stays where she is until Meredith wakes up."

Marks walks out mumbling and huffing.

"Thanks Christina," I'm honestly surprised. Christina has never really liked me.

"Mer likes you. I don't see it but she always has. She even forgave you for nearly getting her fired and losing Zola. And Zola seems happy with you. Happier than with Mark and Callie or even Baily. So I did it for Mer and Zola. Why do you even care so much about Zola? Or Mer for that matter? You're always with one of them. I know Mer has always like you, but you, you've always liked… well you."

This is what they all think. And it was true until I met Mer. She was screwed up but still so… good. She's the only one who really ever cared about me except Izzy. But I was always second to Izzy; there was George and then Denny. When I married Izzy we both knew I wished she was Meredith and she wished I was Denny. Of course things weren't going to work out like that. So once she got better she moved away and opened a bakery and fell in love with someone who made her feel like Denny did. We talk a lot. She is the only one who knows my true feelings for Mer.

"It's because he has always loved her." I hear a voice from the doorway.

"Addison? What are you doing here? And where the hell did you get an idea like that?" I'm shocked at seeing her and her little outburst.

"Nice to see you too Alex, Christina. I came here to see Callie and Mark. And I wanted to talk to Meredith. There's a chance she can hear us you know? I have something important to tell her."

Christina is just staring back and forth between me and Addison.

"Um he doesn't love her. Alex doesn't love. Maybe he loved Izzy and crazy chick but not Mer."

"Of course he loves her. Why else would he still be sitting here and taking care of her kid when she's not here. Why do you think he's still even at Seattle Grace? He wasn't going to leave her like this. Think about it Christina, only you and and him still bother to stay with her." I'm going to kill her.

They continue talking like I'm not even sitting here.

"What about the trial? Why would he do that if he loved her?" Christina asks. At least Addison won't have an answer for that. Only Izzy knows that answer. So they both look at me for an answer.

"I was drunk." I mumble. I leave out the part of how in my drunkenness I was hoping Derek would leave her when he found out. I never meant for her to almost get fired and almost lose Zola. Which is why I did everything possible to help her, them I guess, keep her.

"So you admit to this?" Christina is going nuts. "Oh my god Alex! She is not going to wake up and be with you! Is that why you are taking care of Zola! So she will owe you something? Maybe she should go stay with Mark and Callie!"

Damn Addison. I hate that woman.

"That's not it at all. I don't or won't expect anything from her. I just want to help her in any way I can. I truly care about her and want what's best for her. That's it. None of this is about me Christina. I promise you." I hate being like this in front of her.

"Hmm. For some reason I actually believe you. Stupid plane crash made me soft. But you better keep to what you say when she wakes up." The plane crash really did make her soft, from making up with Owen to this.

"What do you have to tell her Addison?" Christina asks finally off the subject of me.

"I'm here to tell her if she wakes up I can help her have Derek's baby."

Well, if anything will wake her I suppose that could do it.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Someone told me that it was confusing as to who Christina was talking to so I changed it just a bit. Please let me know if it is still confusing. I don't find it confusing but I obviously know how it is supposed to read.

Christina's POV

I'm standing outside the door listening to Addison tell Mer about frozen sperm and how she and her new boyfriend can help her carry a baby to full term. Like she needs another baby. But I guess since Derek is dead it would be nice to have a biological piece of him. Listening to that and then thinking about Alex.

Alex loving Meredith. Had he not admitted it to me I would never have believed it. He'll screw anything that moves. But he's actually never hit on Mer that I know of. And he married Izzy! At a wedding meant for Meredith... awkward. No one was surprised that ended so soon, Izzy was still totally consumed with thoughts of Denny. Honestly I think she was upset she didn't die so she could be with him.

But Alex has always been there for Mer in a way he's not with anyone else. Even Izzy and crazy chick. He's not a complete ass like most people think, I do know that. He has a huge heart for the little people. But other than that he is the ass everyone sees.

I wonder if leaving Zola with him is the right choice but I don't really see a better option. I love the kid but I don't want to be responsible for her full time and I don't need Owen being all lovey dovey let's have a baby all the time. Sure Mark and Callie could take her but they have Sophia and they are both grieving over Lexi and Arizona. Alex really is the best option for the moment. She needs to hurry and wake up.

"What the hell Christina, why are you keeping Zola away from people who can actually take care of her?" Callie is yelling at me from down the hall. Awesome, just what I needed now.

"I'm pretty sure I already explained this all to Mark. She's happy, he's taking care of her and Mer likes him better than she likes either of you." Harsh maybe but it's true.

"What does he even know about kids?" She whines. Seriously? He was being trained in kids by HER wife.

"Um, almost everything Arizona did? And probably more than you or Mark so I'm not discussing this anymore Callie. With either of you." And I walk off while she's trying to come up with more lame arguments.

I wander around hoping to find Owen so I can tell him I'm going home. I need to get away from this place all the sudden.

From people trying to steal Meredith's kid and trying to get her pregnant with new ones.

From Alex and all of that issue.

From people dying and people getting better when she's not.

From having to stare at Mer's lifeless body wondering if I'm making the right decision keeping her here.

"Christina!" Oh my god why can't I get away! "You need to take Zola home. She has a fever so she can't stay here and I have a surgery in an hour and Mark or Callie all the sudden won't help and I've looked everywhere for Alex." Bailey is practically chasing me with her.

"I don't know the first thing about taking care of her. Plus I'm exhausted and overwhelmed." I try to make excuses but the glare tells me she's not buying it.

"Fine, I will take her."

"Take her straight home. Don't go wandering the halls with her." It's like she read my mind. I was just going to wander until I found Alex.

"Fine! But if you see Alex tell him I need him to come get her." She nods and runs off probably afraid I will change my mind.

Almost out the door I run into Owen who is of course thrilled I have Zola. He's been begging me to bring her for a night or two. It's like everyone is waiting for Mer to die to take her kid.

After I get to the car I realize I can't take her home without a car seat so I head back to find one.

"Christina!" I'm about to kill someone.

"What now?" I yell over my shoulder to Addison who is now following me. I just want to find a seat and get the hell out of here.

"I could take Zola for the night. I was with Alex when Bailey told him about you taking her and needing him to pick her up but apparently it was Mark's turn to stay with her tonight and he's not doing it now. So of course Alex won't leave her. But I can take Zola."

"I don't know if that's a good idea, where are you even staying Addison?"

"I was going to get a hotel room for a couple of days but Alex gave me a key to Meredith's place."

I ask her if she's sure and she's all excited so I tell her I just need to find a car seat and she actually has one in her car. Some friend's kid or something. So I get Zola settled in and finally head home.

It's been a dramaful day and I have a feeling the drama has no end in sight.


	3. Chapter 3

Three months since she's been is this coma and at this point even Christina is starting to consider letting her go. Zola asks about her less and less. Things are hard with me trying to take care of all my patients, Zola and still be here for Mer. It's just me and Bailey taking care of Zola now.

Mark asked to take her for a couple of nights so I let him thinking he's done being a jerk. But then he tried to keep her and Christina had to call the cops since she actually has custody and then they were questioning where she actually belongs so Christina signed temporary custody over to me. And Mark and Callie are not allowed anywhere near her except for in the hospital daycare because I can't keep them out of there. I tried.

"You have to wake up Mer. Christina is getting to the point where she feels like she's holding on for her not you. Zola doesn't even ask about you anymore. We need you Mer, I need you. I stayed for you. I love Zola but she needs you. Webber needs you. You're the closest thing to family he has. Christina needs you. This happy Christina who loves her husband won't last we all know that."

"Thanks jerk." Christina walks in.

"Sorry." I mumble.

"I think we need to set a deadline Alex. At some point this becomes about us and not about her. And honestly I'm not sure that point isn't way behind us. It's my decision obviously but I won't make it without you." She's trying not to cry because even though she's gone soft and loves her husband now she's still Christina.

"One more month."

"And then Zola?" She asks.

"I want to keep her."

"Are you sure Alex? That you want that responsibility for her for the rest of her life? I mean I know right now you're doing it for Mer but if she's out of the equation do you still want Zola?" I can see how she sees it that way but she's pissing me off.

"For the past three months if I wasn't here or with a patient I was with Zola. I love her. Not like Mer does or Derek did but I still love her. I will love her if Mer wakes up, I will love her if Mer dies. She's two years old Christina and she just lost her dad and her aunt as far as she knows her mom. Do you really want to take away the one person who has been there for her?"

"Alex, I never meant…" Christina starts when we hear her.

"Don't. Fight." She barely even whispers.

"Mer." We rush to her side.

She's trying to talk and I'm trying to get her to settle down while Christina pages her doctor.

"Alex. What happened? Why are you here? Where is Derek? Where is Zola? And Lexi?" She's talking slow like she has to work really hard at it. And I don't know what to tell her. She just came out of a three month coma; I don't think she needs to hear about her husband and sister being dead.

"Zola is in the hospital daycare." At least I can tell her that.

"They're dead aren't they?"

"Uh…" Damn I don't want to be the one to tell her.

Christina walks back in and nods that yes I should tell her. Why me I don't know.

"Yes, their dead. I'm so sorry."

She doesn't really react and I figure she's in shock so I just sit by her and hold her hand and wait for her to react.

"Can I see Zola?" She finally asks.

"I can try but I don't know if she can come up here."

"Um, I'll try." Christian offers and takes off. She seems uncomfortable, probably too much emotion for her.

"Don't feel bad for being the one to tell me. I think I knew. I could hear everything. I couldn't make out words but I could make out voices. I felt like I was sleeping and I couldn't wake up. At first there were a lot of voices. Then just Christina and you and Mark and Callie. Then Callie stopped, then Mark and then it was just you and her. But I never heard Derek or Lexi. Lexi died before we were found. I knew that! Oh and Arizona. But Derek. He was there. What happened to Derek? Who took care of Zola? She must be so terrified and confused." She's just rambling.

"Mer just stop! Slow down, settle down. You don't need to know all the details right this second. You need to rest. Please just rest."

"I will rest after I know what happened to Derek and who has been taking care of Zola." She demands with all the strength she can.

"He was weak Mer and he had a lot of injuries. He just wasn't strong enough. And I've been taking care of Zola mostly. Mark and Callie and Bailey helped some but I moved into your house and I took care of her whenever I could."

"Thank you." She whispers and closes her eyes.

Christina comes back with Zola who jumps out of her arms to me screaming my name at which Meredith jumps awake.

She whispers hi to her but Zola buries her head in my shoulder.

"You look different Mer, and it's been a while…" I don't want her upset over this too.

"No, it's OK. I get it. You're what she knows right now. I'm tired." And she closes her eyes again shutting us all out.

I take Zola and start to walk her back to the center when Christina stops me.

"Now what Alex? Are you going to go back to being the ass that treats her like crap until she needs you? Can you do that after spending a huge amount of time with her even if she wasn't aware of it, or maybe she was, I don't know?"

"I will do whatever she needs me to do. But I'm not going to tell her how I feel about her if that's what you're worried about."

Meredith is too good for me. Always was, always will be. Telling her how I feel would be for one a jerk move since her husband just died and two a straight path to awkwardness and rejection. I love her and Zola too much to ever tell her. Now I just have to make sure Addison keeps her mouth shut.

"No actually I'm more worried about you going all Alex on her and running away. She is going to need both of us but you even more than me because you've been raising her daughter and she's going to need a lot of help with that at first."

"I won't run. I won't leave unless she asks me too. But she'll never need to ask me be because I'm just going to be her friend, a good friend that will do whatever I can. I won't give her a reason to ask me to leave."

She just nods and walks away.


	4. Chapter 4

Alex's POV

I'm sitting here watching Mer sleep, trying to decide if it's creepy now that's she's out of the coma when she starts screaming.

"Mer! Wake up, it's just a dream!" I'm telling her and shaking her. She stops screaming and her eyes lock on mine.

"Thanks for waking me." She says softly and turns her head the other way. She only talks to Christina and me and that's only a little bit.

Christina is trying to convince to her to start going back to therapy but she won't. She says she's fine but we both know she's not.

"Alex?" She whispers. She always whispers.

"Yeah?"

"Why are you here?" She asks. I knew it would come up eventually and I really don't know what to say.

"I care about you Mer. And I care about Zola. You lost two of the most important people in your life. I wanted to make sure you were taken care of. I knew Christina would take care of you but she was in the plane too." And I love you I think to myself.

"Thanks. But you don't have to stay. I will be fine now. I really do appreciate you staying but I know you want out of Seattle." The sad thing is I only wanted out because it was so hard to watch her with Derek.

"I don't have anywhere else to be. And I want to stay here and make sure everything Arizona worked for continues. I'm staying here. But if you don't want me here or with Zola anymore I understand."

"No that's not it at all; I just don't want to keep you here. But since you are going to stay did you want to stay at the house once I'm able to go home? I could really use the help at first. Only if you don't mind. I'm sure Christina could help…" She's so uncertain about everything. We have never had any issues talking to each other, we've always kind of understood each other in a way no one else did since we both had screwed up childhoods. And now it's like she's afraid to talk to me.

"Of course I will stay Mer. I will do anything I can to help, just tell me what I can do. You can ask or tell me anything."

"You're being really nice. I just don't understand. I know you care about me, I care about you too but this isn't you. " She's looking at me to explain but I can't.

Luckily Christina walks in and so Meredith turns to her.

"When I can I leave?" She asks pleadingly.

"As soon as you as have the strength to. Meredith I know you hate it but therapy would really help. I don't want you going home alone with Zola and pretending everything is fine when we both know it's not. And if everything really is fine that you need even more therapy. You lost your husband and you're sister and 3 months of your own life. All that and you were in a plane crash and stranded for 5 days!"

"So were you! And no one is trying to force you into therapy! Just leave me the hell alone Christina! Just leave and don't come back! You act like your so much better and stronger, but I know this I'm so freaking happy with my husband is all an act because you are scared to death of getting hurt or being in a coma like I was and having no one give a damn! And you know why? Because you're a bitch! No one does care about you except for me and Owen! And I'm done. Done with you telling me what to do when you are just as messed up as me. So you better hold on to Owen. He's all you have left."

Christina walks out without showing any emotion but I know she's hurt.

"Mer she never meant…" but she turns her head and closes her eyes which is her way of shutting us out.

I start to go after Christina, I know she doesn't like me and I don't really like her but she loves Meredith.

I finally catch up to her in the stairwell where she's sitting in the corner crying. Suddenly I regret coming after her. I've never been good with crying girls because it's usually my fault they're crying.

"Go away." She looks up at me.

"I just came to see if you were OK. She didn't mean all that. She's just angry but not at you."

"Whether she meant it or not it's all true." Oh well I can't really argue with her there.

"Do you need anything? Water? Do want me to find Owen?" I just want to get out of there.

"I just want you to take care of her. You heard her, she doesn't want me anywhere near her and she won't even talk to anyone else. Just don't get too emotional. She'll break you if you do." She's all sad and emotional but that was just mean.

"What is that supposed to mean? She's not like that Christina. She didn't really mean to hurt you."

"No. That's not what I mean really. I don't mean it against her. I just see how much you love her. I feel like an idiot for not seeing it before. And the two of you are going to get very close with you staying with her and helping her take care of Zola. And if you're not careful you'll fall harder and harder for her but she'll never love you back. Not because you're you, just because she was broken before Derek and he somehow managed to make her whole. But she'll never get over this enough to love again. And most likely once she's settled and she realizes how much she cares about you she'll push you away. So just be careful. I've never liked you Alex but you've changed. I don't want to see you get hurt. Now go away."

I leave her there but I text Owen telling him where she is. Then I head back to Mer to tell her good night, pick Zola up and head home.

I'm so exhausted.


	5. Chapter 5

Alex's POV

One week after Mer kicked Christina out of her life she's ready to go home. She's not actually ready but I'm not going to argue with her right now. I will just take her home and take care of her the best I can.

"Alex, I'm ready to go. I just signed all my papers. You go get Zola and I'll get my stuff together."

"Mer slow down. I'll get your stuff together. Then I'll go get Zola and pull the car up closer. Then someone will bring you out."

"I'm not helpless." She says in a way that says if you argue I'm going to go psycho on you. So I leave to get Zola while she slowly gets her stuff together. Zola still doesn't really want to go to her and it doesn't help that Mer won't really give her the chance. As soon as Zola clings to me Mer shuts us both out. It's going to be a long road to family harmony for them.

Just as I walk out Mark walks into her room so I stand just outside to hear the conversation.

"Hey Mer, how are you feeling?" He asks like he actually cares.

"Fine. What do you want?" She snaps.

"Mer, I'm sorry I haven't been to see you. Christina and Alex made it hard though." He fake apologizes and Mer cracks up laughing.

"That's probably because you tried to steal my daughter Mark."

"I was worried about her. Alex is not the person to be raising a kid. Come on what would Derek think?" What an asshole, I'm tempted to walk in but I keep listening.

"Not that it even matters since he's dead but Derek would think I picked Christina to make decisions on my behalf for a reason. That reason being I trust Christina with my own life and my daughter's. So if Christina decided that Alex needed to be the one to keep Zola then that's probably because I never really liked you or Callie! Alex is an asshole but he's the asshole who kept my daughter happy in a time where she lost 3 of the most important people in her life, the asshole that stayed here with me because he cares, not because he wanted my daughter, the asshole that is probably standing outside the door listening because he doesn't trust you because once again YOU TRIED TO STEAL MY DAUGHTER! Now please leave." She goes from laughing to yelling to screaming to being deadly calm.

Mark walks out and doesn't even look at me and I'm standing there debating whether or not I should go in or go get Zola but Mer calls me in.

"I knew you were there. Sorry about calling you an asshole. I just… I don't know, I'm sorry." She has tears in her eyes and I don't know what to do but she walks up to me and just collapses in my arms.

"You're not ready Mer, not ready to go home." I whisper as I hold her.

"It doesn't matter where I am. Here, there I see them all the time. Every time I close my eyes I see Lexi dying. And with Derek it's almost worse because he was alive and I see him alive and happy and smiling. I don't want to be here away from Zola and around all these dying people and all these doctors that were basically useless when I needed them. I'm a doctor! And I still couldn't save anyone that mattered. So take me home or don't but I am not staying here." She's sobbing and I hate it but at the same time I'm glad she's finally showing some emotion besides anger.

"I'm not letting you go by yourself Mer; of course I will take you. Let me go get Zola."

I'm in over my head. I don't know how to take care of her, my history proves that. My family doesn't come around, Ava tried to kill herself, and Izzy ran away. Zola is easy, she's naturally happy. Most kids are. But Mer isn't known for being happy. Derek made her happy and Zola makes her happy but she's always one setback from being broken. And this was more than a setback. This would make anyone miserable.

I get Zola and head back to Mer's room telling Zola the whole way there to please don't ignore mommy. Please let her hold you. She loves you and she's sad when you cling to me. I realize she's 2 but it's all I can think to do.

Mer is packing up the last few things when we walk in and she stops and says hi to Zola and Zola smiles a shy smile and waves. So maybe it worked a little bit.

"We're going home baby." She tells her. "Well you've been home but I'm coming home with you. I missed you Zola." She says sadly.

"Home with Alex." Zola tells her.

"Yes baby, home with Alex." She fake smiles. "Let's go!" She holds out her arms out for Zola and I'm so relieved when Zola goes. Mer looks at me and smiles and she actually looks happy. If only it were that easy. I grab all her stuff and head to the car and home.

Once we get home I let Zola out of her car seat and she runs up to the door bouncing around waiting to get in and I help Mer out of the car.

We walk in and she looks around like she's seeing it all for the first time.

"All the pictures, they have to go. And I'll need to pack up his things. They can go to charity, he has nice things." She's back to deadly calm.

I start to tell her all that can wait but the look in her eyes makes me stop.


	6. Chapter 6

Alex's POV

The first few days after she got home Mer went crazy getting rid of all evidence of Derek. She even tried to burn all the pictures but I convinced her to let me pack them up and put them in the attic. I tried to convince her to let me put some of his stuff in the attic too but she went with the plan to donate all of it. She donated the stuff that Lexi had left here too. I'm sure one day she will regret it but I did what I could. At least she has the pictures and the videos I managed to save.

Christina came to visit and Mer told her sorry she was but the reunion felt forced and things aren't the same between them, it will take a lot of time and effort and I'm not sure either one of them have the energy for it.

After a week she tells me she's fine and that I can go back to work and even though I don't want to leave her, especially with Zola I didn't want her thinking I don't trust her.

She says she's not going to work back at the hospital, mostly because Owen won't let her without being OKed by a therapist she refuses to see so she's looking for a new job.

"Alex, how is she?" Christina asks as soon as she sees me.

"Fine, everything is fine. It's like Derek and Lexi never existed. She's in deep denial Christina and she's going to fall apart when she comes out of it."

"Have you tried to talk her into therapy?" She asks.

"Oh yeah, because I want her pointing out all of MY faults and kicking me out." I say a little too sarcastically probably.

"Well good luck when she goes crazy. Hopefully she doesn't try to kill herself." She snaps then walks off.

Not sure if I deserved that or not. The day drags on.

As soon as I get home Mer leaves saying she just needs some time alone please take care of Zola. I don't want to let her go but once again I don't want her to think I don't I don't trust her even if I don't.

A few hours later my phone rings and not knowing the number I almost don't pick up but something makes me.

"_Alex! I'm in jail. I need you to bail me out. Pretty, pretty please?" _

Crap. I tell her I will be there as soon as possible but I'm not waking Zola up and dragging her to jail so I call Christina and she agrees to go.

Two hours later she brings a still very drunk Mer to me.

"She burned down her house Alex. She was drunk so they took her in but they can't charge her with the house because it was hers and nothing else was damaged. You're doing a great job taking care of her." And she storms out.

Holy crap she burned down her house.

"Mer, why?" I ask.

"I need to forget him. And I can't forget him with a whole house there that he built for me. That's just screams look at me! I'm a huge Derek reminder. Live here so you can never forget how much he loved you!" She's angry and I really don't understand.

"Mer, why are you mad?"

"Because I still remember! I got rid of or destroyed everything but I still remember! Make it go away Alex! Make them stop playing and laughing in my head!" And that's when I realized she's moved from in denial to crazy and I'm really hoping it's just the alcohol.

"Come on Mer; let's get you cleaned up and in bed." She doesn't move so I carry her up the stairs and when she still doesn't move I realize I'm going to have to undress her since she's covered in ashes.

I start the shower and undress her and she's just staring into to space so I put her in getting in with her with all of my clothes still on.

"Kiss me." She whispers and as much as I want to I'm not going to be that guy. Not with her.

"No Mer, let's just get you cleaned up."

"Screw me Alex. Screw me so that for just that long I can focus on you and not Derek." She's killing me.

"No Mer. I won't do that to you."

"Then screw you! Why not me but every other girl? You love broken girls! Why am I not good enough?"

"I'm so sorry Mer. I'm just can't." What am I supposed to say? I love you. No, she can't know that especially in this state.

She just goes back to staring so I wash her and get her out, dried, dressed and put in bed.

"Alex will you just stay? I don't like to be alone. They torture me when I'm alone. I thought getting drunk would help but it didn't so then I thought burning down the house would help but it didn't. So just stay."

"I'll stay. Just let me go get changed. I promise I will be right back."

I change and go back to her and she begs me to just lay with her and hold her and I can't reject her again.

So I lay with her and hold her and watch her sleep through most of the night.

The next morning I get up before she's awake because Zola has no concept of her mother being broken.

By the time Mer gets up I've fed her breakfast, played with her in the backyard, fed her snack, had my hair done by her and put her down for nap.

I'm cleaning up the living room for the billionth time today when Mer walks down.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" I ask her.

"Like maybe I died last night." She looks like it too. "What happened last night? And please don't be nice, tell me everything."

"What do you remember?"

"I burned down the house. Oh god Alex I burned down the house! Derek's house! He spent two years custom building that house! And then I went to a bar and that's all I remember. So tell everything you know, every detail." She demands.

So I tell her every detail from the call from jail to her begging me to lay with her.

"I'm so sorry Alex and thank you for not, you know."

"Don't worry about it. But Mer you need help. I've been doing everything I can but you need real help. You can't burn or drink away your problems."

"I know but I'm scared Alex. I don't want to face my feelings what if I can't handle it? I'm barely holding on, I'm so afraid that once everything comes out I'll fall apart and never be whole again. You know me. You know it isn't an empty fear. I'm so scared." She's crying and I hate it.

"Therapists are trained for that. They'll help you put the pieces back together. And I'll help you. I just can't do it by myself anymore. You're going to hurt yourself and I would never forgive myself."

"I'm not your responsibility Alex. What I do is all on me. I never meant to take advantage of you, to make you take care of me."

"You didn't make me, I could've left anytime. You were in a coma! I choose to stay." I just want her to understand that I care.

Just then the doorbell rings and Mer jumps at the out for a conversation that is way too much for her.

"Meredith, I'm so happy to see you awake!" Addison squeals and Mer jumps back in shock.

"Hi Addison, did you see me not awake?" She's confused.

"Yeah didn't anyone tell you I came to visit and ask if you wanted to have Derek's baby?"

Just then some guy walks in and grabs her shoulders.

"Slow down Addison." Said guy laughs.

"Sorry Meredith. Anyways I came to your while you were in the coma to tell you I have some of Derek's sperm frozen. You can have it if you want. I don't need it…" She trails off finally seeming to realize how odd this is.

"Well OK, thanks but no thanks. I mean I grew up without a dad and Zola is going to have to grow up without a dad so I wouldn't bring another baby into that willingly. Plus my chances off carrying full time are slim." She explains to Addison.

"Well Jake and I, this is Jake, he's my boyfriend, but we could help with that. But I understand you're reasoning. I just wanted to give you the option, and if you ever need my help in the future we can still help you if you want." Addison tells her.

"Thanks Addison, I doubt I will even need that option but thanks. Hey, do you know any good therapists? I mean I'm sure when you were here you referred a lot of people."

"You should come back with us." This Jake guy offers out of nowhere. "Get some sun, and we have two amazing therapists. Well, we had two, one went a little nuts but the other is still good. Like a vacation, therapy vacation."

Who the hell is this guy? He barely knows her.

"Well I wouldn't have anywhere to stay so thanks but…" Mer starts when Jake tells him she can stay with them and Addison is agreeing and all the sudden they are making plans to leave in the next few days and even though I want to say something to stop all this I just stand there and listen while Addison looks at me like she feels bad but it was Jake's idea.

Finally they leave.

"Mer you're not serious are you?" I ask her cautiously.

"Alex I know this seems weird but it's kind of perfect. A whole new city could be exactly what I need. No reminders of Derek or Lexi or anything that's ever happened in my whole life. Zola will love the beach and you heard him. Their practice therapist is great. This will good for me. I'm going to pack for me and Zola. Thanks for everything Alex. You can stay here in the house. I mean eventually I will be back but even then you can stay." She hugs me and runs upstairs to start packing.

And just like that I'm losing what little bit of her I had.


	7. Chapter 7

Meredith's POV

"Come on Zola, let's go swimming!" And she comes running out of the room with her favorite swimsuit on.

"I pretty mommy!" And she spins around.

"You're beautiful baby." I pick her and spin her some more.

Addison comes out with Henry in his little swim trunks and we head to the water.

I never thought I would adjust so well to the sun and water and staying with Addison and Jake. It's been two months and I'm actually looking for my own place close by and I recently started working at the hospital. Even though a hospital is a hospital not seeing your husband and sister at every corner makes a huge difference.

My therapy is going well and I'm happy but unsettled maybe? Like something is missing. Not the obvious, I know I miss Derek and Lexi and I'm learning to deal with it. I haven't told Sheldon, the therapist, about this because I'm trying to keep up the happy. And I know that's dumb but I let out so much of what I was trying to keep in it's almost like a control thing. I want to keep this one uneasy feeling to myself.

Addison and I talk and watch the kids play at the edge of the water. Zola and Henry adore each other. Then Addison gets called in and I agree to watch Henry for her. A little while later Jake comes out and sits with me.

"I know you're not completely happy here Meredith. And I know you're keeping something from Addie and Sheldon. I don't know what but I can see it. The dark look in your eyes when something crosses your mind. I don't even think you realize it sometimes and it passes quickly. You feel like you're happy but something is missing right?" I look at him like he's insane. Like can he read my freaking mind or something?

"That's exactly how I feel Jake and I can't figure out what it is. I didn't leave anything in Seattle except Christina and we weren't even that close anymore and we still talk sometimes. Maybe it's just knowing that Derek and Lexi are still there in a way."

"Or maybe it's Alex." He says and once again I think he's insane.

"What does Alex have to do with this?"

"You talk to him at least twice a day and I know most of the time you get a text it's from him. Meredith he took care of you until you came here. And I know you know you care about him but I think you might love him. You should see the ways your eyes light up when he calls or texts. No matter how many times a day it is."

Love Alex? Is that even possible?

"No that's crazy. I love Derek. He's only been gone a couple of months. Well a couple of months that I was aware of at least. So I can't possibly love Alex." I rationalize.

"Love doesn't work that way. I was in love with a drug addict, I didn't intend to fall in love with her. And maybe you loved Alex before, I know you care about him a lot. You can love more than one person. You know Addie loves Sam. She just had to make a choice. And I'm not entirely convinced she doesn't love Mark Sloane anymore. And that's OK as long as she controls it. And sometimes love for one person overshadows love for another. Love is crazy Meredith. But maybe it's not Alex. I'm going to take Henry in for dinner. You coming?" He stands up and offers me his hand.

"Actually would you mind taking Zola in for just a while? I just want to stare at waves and think for a while." He says of course and she goes running in.

I have always cared about Alex. Even when he was jerk I cared. I knew him being a jerk was to protect himself. What if I do love him? It's not like it would even matter, it's not like he would love me back.

Just then he texts me and my heart skips a beat and I think I notice because Jake just mentioned it but it's then that I realize I do love Alex. Maybe I always have.

And so I do what's totally logical for me, I ignore him.

As the months go on he tries less and less and throw myself more and more into my job and Zola. I find a nice little house just minutes from Addison and therefore the beach and I convince myself that this is the happiest I need to be.

_A/N I know Addison knows Alex loves her but Jake's not the type to tell someone else's secrets so she doesn't realize Meredith loves him. Also I know Jake's past has something to do with a drug addict but I don't know the details because Private Practice kind of bores me but I like Jake and Addie!_


	8. Chapter 8

Alex's POV

After Mer left it wasn't so bad. I missed her like crazy but I talked to her a lot and I knew she was getting better and most importantly she was happy. Then all the sudden she just stops taking my calls and responding to my texts. I try for a while but I finally give up thinking she's just doesn't need me anymore. I knew it would happen but god I miss her.

Lost in thought about Mer I run right into Christina.

"Dammit Alex watch it!" She yells and walks around.

"Sorry." I mumble and she stops turns around and slaps me.

"What the hell Christina?" I ask her in shock.

"I'm so tired of you moping around here! She's gone because you let her go! So get over it! I trusted you with her when she wouldn't let me in and you made her run away. To live with Addison! Seriously! You screwed up now just get over it!"

"What was I supposed to do Christina?"

"Oh my god! Tell her how you really feel maybe? Are you so stupid to think she didn't have any feelings for you? You know right after she moved every time I would talk to her you are all she talked about!" She's screaming at me.

"She stopped talking to me Christina."

"Because she's Mer and she was in therapy. It probably came up and she figured out how much you mean to her. Maybe even that she loves you. So being her and not wanting to put herself out there to be hurt she shuts you out. Just like I told you she would. I just never thought you would let her so easily."

"She's too good for me Christina."

"You're right she is. But who cares if you can make her happy? She's not happy. I talked to her last week and she was drunk. And I'm pretty sure she's sleeping around, but whatever. She's too good for you."

"What to hell am I supposed to do? I don't even know where she lives."

"But you know where Addison lives and you know where she works. And if you weren't such a coward you would know what to do." And she walks down the hall leaving me staring in shock.

Meredith's POV

Happy didn't last for long and I could only keep pretending for so long. So I went back to what I know, drinking and screwing around. I always make sure Zola is taken care of, she has an amazing nanny.

I keep up appearances for Addie and Jake though I'm pretty sure Jake knows way more than he lets on. We are over there for dinner one night when Alex calls after months of not.

I almost answer but then don't and shove it in my diaper bag.

"Who was that?" Addie asks and I shrug like I don't know.

"Meredith, you're upset just tell me who it was." She demands.

"You're not my mother Addie, let it go." I snap.

"No! I won't let it go. Maybe I'm not you're mother but I care about you and you think you're hiding it but I know about the drinking and the men. You're not OK and you haven't been since…" She stops to think about my timeline of falling apart I assume. "Since you stopped talking to Alex. That was him wasn't it? Please don't lie Mer. I know things you don't. Why did you stop talking to him when you did?"

"I love him Addie." I whisper. "And I couldn't let myself get hurt again."

"He would have never hurt you." She almost looks amused.

"But once I realized how I felt I couldn't unknow it. And I couldn't just pretend being friends was enough because it never could be. Not now." I'm crying and I hate this!

"You need to talk to him Meredith. Just tell him how you feel and see where it goes and even if it goes nowhere you're not losing anything. Go to Seattle."

"I have a life Addie, a job and a daughter. "

"You're miserable. Your job will be fine, I will talk to Charlotte and your daughter will be fine with the nanny that has been raising her anyways." She's being a bitch but she's right.

"I don't see the point Addie."

"But you will Meredith. See Christina too. I know you miss her. Just take a week."

So we make plans for Zola to spend the week with Addie and her nanny and I leave the next morning. It will be nice to see Christina. I do miss her even if we drifted apart.

I drive straight through and get there late at night. Not really thinking it through, probably because I'm exhausted I drive to my house and walk in like I never left and go straight to bed.

The next morning I wake up and finally realize that as far as I know Alex still lives here and I'm not ready to see him. I actually planned to spend the week with Christina and then right before I leave see him, tell him everything and go home. So I'm lying there trying to come up with a new plan when I hear him knock on my door.

"Come in." I call and he walks in and I burst into tears. This is not going as planned at all.

"Why are you?" He's so cold.

"Well last time I checked it's my house so…" No, I don't want to play the bitch part. "No, Alex, I missed you. I missed you a lot."

"Hmm. You have a funny way of showing it. You cut me off completely. I was so worried about you and Zola."

"I'm sorry Alex. I got scared because I figured out, I missed you so much and I didn't even realize it was you and then Jake, he helped me realize, I love you Alex. I love you."

And then he walks out. And I suddenly have an extreme desire to murder Addison.

I'm glad I drove rather than flying as now I can run by the hospital say hi to Christina and get the hell out of here and never come back.

I write Alex a note saying he can whatever he wants with the house I'm done with the house and the city. And him but I leave that part out.

Soon I'm at the hospital and all my old friends are all Meredith we missed you. And I'm thinking how full of crap they are and how if I don't find Christina in the next 10 minutes I quit.

"Meredith!" I hear Owen.

"Hey where's Christina?" I ask him as he hugs me.

"I haven't seen her. I'll page her. Why don't you wait in my office? It's good to see you Meredith." I just smile and nod and head to his office. Christina takes forever and by time she gets there all the memories are swirling around my brain and I'm a mess.

"Mer, what the hell is wrong?" Christina asks as she walks in.

"It's just so hard here, so hard to keep the memories away. And I told Alex I loved him because Addie told me too and he walked out on me! I don't even know what the hell I expected. He's Alex. Of course he doesn't love me back." I'm blubbering and Christina pats me on the back and tells me she'll be right back.

I don't bother to wait.


	9. Chapter 9

Alex's POV

I'm checking on my patients when Christina pages me to meet her in her in an empty OR. I'm not going to go since I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Mer but at the same time I can't help but worry that something is wrong with Mer. And then I think of course something is wrong with her, she bursts into tears at the sight of me and then tells me she loves me.

And I walked out on her.

Why the hell did I walk out on her? I was mad at her for leaving me here and then cutting me off. And I think I have the right to be mad but I didn't have to walk out on her while she was freaking crying!

When I get to Christina she starts screaming at me about how I'm an ass and Mer is sitting in Owen's office crying about Derek and Lexi and me.

"She left me Christina. I sat by her for three months day and night waiting for her to wake up and when I wasn't with her I was with her daughter. Then I took care of her and Zola while she slowly went crazy until the night she burned her house down and then begged me to sleep with her which I didn't because I wasn't going to take advantage of her. But she cut me off and maybe it's because she loves me and got scared but she could've trusted me Christina. And she doesn't. So what the hell is the point?"

"Are you serious? You've been in love with her since we were interns! And you're going to hold a few months against her? A few months during which she was learning to deal with her life without her husband and sister. You're not mad at her for not trusting you. You're scared you're going to screw her up even more. And you probably will but then you fix it because that's how relationships work. Now go get her!"

I run to Owen's office but she's not there. She's probably already headed home, to her real home, to her daughter and new job and new friends. Her and Addison as friends still blows my mind. I call her phone and of course she doesn't answer. I keep calling the whole way out to my car, the whole way to her house and the whole way up to her room where I find her curled up in a ball sobbing into a pillow.

"Mer," I whisper.

"Go away Alex. I shouldn't have come, I'm just tired. I'm going to take a nap and then I'm leaving for good. I left you a note on the fridge."

"Mer I'm sorry I walked out on you this morning. I thought I was mad but I was scared."

"Scared of what? I'm the one that put myself out there for you to trample on." She sounds so broken.

"Mer I love you too. I have always loved you. I loved you when we were interns and you were broken and couldn't love. I loved you when you fell in love with Derek. I loved you when I thought you would never wake up. I loved you when you weren't you. I loved when we you left me and I loved you when you cut me out of your life completely. I've always loved you Mer. Even when they was no hope of you loving me back."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" She asks.

"The timing was never right I guess. That and you are too good for me Mer."

She starts laughing through her crying and I'm confused.

"You just called me broken. I've always been broken. How could I possibly be too good for you?"

"You just are. But if I didn't screw this up I will spend every day trying to be enough for you and for Zola."

"No." she says and my heart drops. "I'm not going to let you live your life thinking you have to prove yourself to me. But I will let you live your life trying to make me happy if I can spend my life trying to make you happy."

I pull her into my arms and hold her as tight as I can without hurting her.

"Alex," she looks up at me, "Kiss me."

And I do.

_The End._

_A/N Possible sequel coming soon. _


End file.
